Apparently I suck at juggling because I’m always dropping the ball. Here too. Today, I realized it’s been way too long since I posted last, and I feel guilty about that.
At the same time, I’m tired. I’m hurting. And I’m struggling. Something had to give, and this time, it was the blog.
Sometimes self-care means prioritizing the things that are the most critical and focusing on those just so that you can survive. Our family has been in survival mode for far too long and frankly, I’m tired of it.
I’ve always said that I write this blog for me. That I do it to keep from losing my sanity, to maintain some sense of who I am without kids, and to push myself to be more. Well, last summer was a turning point for me. Today, I’m not pushing myself to be more. I’m pushing simply to keep from collapsing. I’m pushing myself to keep going, to make it through the day, the week, the month. Months stretched into a year, and I’m still struggling.
As I lay here trying to rest, utterly exhausted because I made the mistake of cleaning the bathrooms yesterday, I’m thinking about a talk I need to have with my students about their 10 year plan. As I struggle to breathe, realizing that I forgot to wash the sheets soon enough to manage the dust mites, I realized that my own 10 year plan has changed. Considerably.
Last summer I had great plans for this blog. For my educational products. I was going places, producing materials, and excited about what I was able to do.
Then, the health stuff hit. I won’t go into detail because it’s excruciatingly boring unless you’re living it. Let’s just say I’m half-invalid, chafing against the restraints my body arbitrarily slaps on me. I’m about as good as it gets, and that’s dependent on 11 different daily medications with an additional 7 emergency meds.
Last year my 10 year plan was full of hope. This year, it’s pretty simple. In 10 years, I plan to be alive. And frankly, that’s pretty darn hopeful too.
The breakneck speed this blog ran on before I got sick isn’t possible any more. The cost of maintaining it may not be feasible any more either. I just don’t know. All I know is that my priorities have changed. I’m not happy about it. Hell, I’m raging against life these days, full of anger at what this traitor of a body is doing to me.
All of that to say this: I don’t know whether this blog will survive or not. And I will be bitterly angry if one more thing dies because I simply cannot handle it anymore.