I do not want to write this post. Nope. I’m in the worst of the worst moods right now. I could frown at a puppy. Total grump. And you know what? I’m ok with that. I’m experiencing some really strong emotions at the moment, and ignoring them and the reasons for them is not healthy.
Our society loves happy. Positive, fun, upbeat – that’s supposed to be the norm. So what happens when things happen like today? Do we grit our teeth and soldier on, ignoring the pain and “staying strong?”
Ha! I am not strong right now. I am an angry, upset mess that almost puddled on the floor in a mess of tears while fixing dinner. I am not happy. I am not upbeat. I am … pissed off.
I am angry, sad, grieving, frustrated, mad, devastated – all of that. It does no good to ignore it and “be happy.” I’m so far from happy right now that I probably look a lot like the grumpy cat meme.
I don’t know exactly how to deal with these kinds of intense emotions, but I do know that ignoring them and squashing them is a really bad idea. So I’m going to stay mad. I’m going to grieve. I’m going to show my kids that it’s ok to have emotions. It’s ok to not be happy.
Hopefully I can show them a healthy way to deal with them too. Working on that. Unlike the Destroyer, who thinks throwing things is the best response, or the Princess, who stands in the middle of the floor and screams.
I don’t know where to go from here. Tomorrow I will wake up and face the future, devoid of any hope for a pain-free life. Tomorrow I will do what I have to do, because it has to be done. One step at a time. Along the way I’ll stop for a good cry, or I’ll punch a pillow or two with the Destroyer. Maybe that will help. Maybe that will release some of these big emotions.
You’re probably wondering what the heck happened? Nothing earth breaking and shattering. Just the closing of a door. The loss of hope. And the extra diagnosis that I really didn’t need. Today, my doctor told me they can’t figure out what’s causing my hip pain and that the next step is pain management. No fix, no diagnosis, just have to live with it. After 5 years of living with it and hoping for an answer, that’s it. No answer, just pain.
As a side note, I learned that I’m dealing with an impinged nerve in my dominant arm. So I’m off to occupational therapy for that, potentially surgery in the future. It’s something I can’t ignore if I want to keep the use of my hand.
This sucks. Just being honest here.