Running Out of Spoons

 

Hello?  This body is a lemon, I’d like to trade it in, please.  What?  I’m stuck with it?  Why can’t I upgrade?  What do you mean, ‘not compatible?’  Did you just say no refunds either?  And no warranty?  That’s such a scam, I’m filing a complaint.  In triplicate!   

 

I always tell new bloggers to write for themselves.  To not worry about views, numbers, or statistics – because if you do, blogging becomes a chore.  No one wants to do chores, they just do it because they have to.   I write for me – and it’s a good thing that I do right about now.

The thing is, being creative takes energy.  Lots of energy, actually.  Mentally, physically, and emotionally.  Creativity is fulfilling and amazing and all of those great adjectives, but it can also be draining.  It’s as if you’re the dandelion and creativity is blowing bits of you into the wind.

Right now, I have no energy.  I won’t say I’m losing my creativity because it’s such an integral part of me that I don’t think it will ever be gone.  But the energy to use it?  I’ve lost some of that.  Most of that.

 

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I feel like I’m standing on the edge of the void, dropping words into the howling wind.  It’s not just blogging – all of my creative endeavors have stuttered to a halt.  My Teachers Pay Teachers projects are gathering digital dust.  My SEA Homeschoolers project is patiently waiting to be finished.  My history projects have dropped off the deep end of history and I’m lagging several thousand years behind our schedule.

 

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I tell myself it’s ok.  It’s just a slump, I need time to rest.  I’m putting all my energy into homeschooling, teaching classes, and the few field trips for the kids.  That takes a lot of energy and time, and I still haven’t rebuilt my reserves.  (if you’re not familiar with Christine Miserandino’s Spoon Theory, spoons represent the limited energy autoimmune patients have.)

I’ll get there, eventually.  I’m just having a hard time right now.

 

Which is why, even though it’s early still, I’m heading to bed.  Because sleep is the only thing that can help me build my reserves.  Tomorrow is science co-op and a doctor’s appointment, and I’m not going to get my nap.  Sounds lazy?  Not really – it’s just part of living with autoimmune.

 

Are you sure I can’t get a refund?  Because this body is defective – and that’s just not right.  Can’t you do something about it?  Anything?   Aren’t you funny – ‘exercise more.’  I bet you aced your training, didn’t you?  Why don’t you round it out and tell me to eat more fiber too?

Hello?  Hello?     ::dial tone::

 

Looks like I’m stuck with this lemon.   

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